just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
