I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
