friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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