i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
