Tell her she can't have a vagina
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
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