I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
