so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
