Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
