meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Randomize
