mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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