Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
