Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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