I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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