Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Your penis caused this!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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