yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
