Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
