new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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