ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
