she takes plan B like it's going out of style
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
