Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
My life is pants optional.
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