i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
