they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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