Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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