Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
