Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
