I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
