Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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