u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
