you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
