Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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