my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
