So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Im part way to drunk.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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