I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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