Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i think i have two assholes
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
