I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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