My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Randomize
