I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
