I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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