HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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