one word: firstdatebathroomanal
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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