I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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