The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
