God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
