I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
