i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
