i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
