I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
