I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
