Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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