I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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