what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
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